Monday, August 4, 2014

25 reasons I am a lousy climbing writer

I have been thinking about why my writing career is languishing and besides the usual reasons like actually having to earn a living or not having enough cash to head to the Trango Towers or even Alaska, I realized what the real problem is or more precisely what they are. Basically I do not have the right profile. So in the spirit of self-improvement and working on my weaknesses, here is a shortlist of reasons I am a lousy climbing writer. There are probably more but thanks to my daughter's pestering, I can't concentrate long enough to come up with more.

1. I have never been to Alaska.
2. I have never met Alex Honnold.
3. I have never lived in a van.
3. I scare easily.
4. I do not have any crazy hookup stories from the Valley or Hueco or anywhere else.
5. I never went soloing because of a bad breakup.
6. I can’t use “stoke” or “stoked” in a sentence with a straight face.
7. I have not climbed El Cap.
8. If I drink more than two beers I will pass out.
9. I have never flown in a helicopter or small plane.
10. I have never slept on a glacier.
11. I have never been to the Himalaya. I think I can find (some of) them on a map.
12. I have never broken a crampon 1000 feet up a north face of something.
13. I have never eaten anyone’s leftovers in Yosemite Valley.
14. I have basically forgotten how to climb cracks.
15. I cannot remember what a summit looks like.
16. I do not beard well.
17. I have never ridden on a “third-world” bus along with livestock and colorfully dressed natives.
18. I do not own glacier glasses, snow pickets or a Jetboil.
19. I cannot set up a portaledge.
20. I have never ferried loads of any kind.
21. I have never beheld a glorious dawn from a precarious ledge on the side of a remote mountain.
22. I have never been published in Outside magazine, Men’s Fitness, National Geographic or the New York Times.
23. My frequent flyer miles stand at approximately zero.
24. I have never ridden out an avalanche or been pinned down by a storm (longer than half an hour).
25. I have never met Yvon Chouinard.

4 comments:

Lucas Goren said...

If this is to say that the narratives used in climbing media are recycled, vapid, and unimaginative in where they allocate worth and what they deem worthy of insight, you sir, are correct!

I mean this in the sincerest way - I appreciate your jeremiad's that challenge the current stasis of climbing writing/media.

Cheers!

Andrew Kornylak said...

SAME!

Oss said...

Bit late but: :) (From a Swede of the ironic generation ...)

Oss said...

Bit late but: :). (From a Swede of the ironic generation ...)